Please stay in the closet
By Jay Chrisman
How did R. Kelly get stuck in the closet? An allegation of peeing on a 14-year-old is my guess. Oh wait, but there’s more. Not only did he pee on a 14-year-old, he married Aaliyah in 1994, who at the time was not only having him produce her album, she was only 15. To top it all off in 2003 he released an album titled Chocolate Factory, which is both a reference to something you could lure a young girl with, but also a reference to anal sex. R. Kelly’s newest endeavor, “Trapped in the Closet” was probably inspired by the desires of his promoters and record label. I’d stick him there too.
“Trapped in the Closet” is a five-chapter “urban operetta,” being tacked on as a bonus feature of his new album and a draw to his Web site. If you actually want to see this monstrosity without having to pay for it, visit www.R-Kelly.com.
At this point you may be asking yourself, "what the hell is an urban operetta?" In R. Kelly’s eyes it’s an attempt to do something different, no matter how pathetic. The problem is, the lyrics are equivalent to grade-school rhymes and the plot-line reminds me of Shakespeare, only contrived and lame.
The story begins with R. Kelly waking up in a strange bed and realizing that the girl kissing him is not his wife. As he begins to leave she hears her husband coming up the stairs and sticks him in the closet. After her husband finds R. Kelly in the closet the husband calls his lover, who comes to the apartment only to turn out to be a man. The story line only gets more cliché from there.
R. Kelly should be given a Grammy just for actually singing these lyrics. Here are some choice lines: “I’m in the closet, like what the fuck is goin on,” “Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone. I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate, but from the way he acts I can already tell it’s too late,” and "Checks under the bed, then under the dresser. He looks at the closet, I pull out my berretta. He walks up to the closet. He’s close up to the closet. Now he’s at the closet. Now he’s opening the closet."
“Trapped in the Closet” is the worst thing to happen to concept albums since Styx’s “Kilroy was here,” a.k.a. the album that produced “(Domo Arigato) Mr. Roboto.” I bet the first time Sisqo heard "Trapped in the Closet" he turned his head to the sky and thanked the Gods for removing the shame of producing possibly the worst hip-hop song ever, “The Thong Song.”
How did R. Kelly get stuck in the closet? An allegation of peeing on a 14-year-old is my guess. Oh wait, but there’s more. Not only did he pee on a 14-year-old, he married Aaliyah in 1994, who at the time was not only having him produce her album, she was only 15. To top it all off in 2003 he released an album titled Chocolate Factory, which is both a reference to something you could lure a young girl with, but also a reference to anal sex. R. Kelly’s newest endeavor, “Trapped in the Closet” was probably inspired by the desires of his promoters and record label. I’d stick him there too.
“Trapped in the Closet” is a five-chapter “urban operetta,” being tacked on as a bonus feature of his new album and a draw to his Web site. If you actually want to see this monstrosity without having to pay for it, visit www.R-Kelly.com.
At this point you may be asking yourself, "what the hell is an urban operetta?" In R. Kelly’s eyes it’s an attempt to do something different, no matter how pathetic. The problem is, the lyrics are equivalent to grade-school rhymes and the plot-line reminds me of Shakespeare, only contrived and lame.
The story begins with R. Kelly waking up in a strange bed and realizing that the girl kissing him is not his wife. As he begins to leave she hears her husband coming up the stairs and sticks him in the closet. After her husband finds R. Kelly in the closet the husband calls his lover, who comes to the apartment only to turn out to be a man. The story line only gets more cliché from there.
R. Kelly should be given a Grammy just for actually singing these lyrics. Here are some choice lines: “I’m in the closet, like what the fuck is goin on,” “Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone. I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate, but from the way he acts I can already tell it’s too late,” and "Checks under the bed, then under the dresser. He looks at the closet, I pull out my berretta. He walks up to the closet. He’s close up to the closet. Now he’s at the closet. Now he’s opening the closet."
“Trapped in the Closet” is the worst thing to happen to concept albums since Styx’s “Kilroy was here,” a.k.a. the album that produced “(Domo Arigato) Mr. Roboto.” I bet the first time Sisqo heard "Trapped in the Closet" he turned his head to the sky and thanked the Gods for removing the shame of producing possibly the worst hip-hop song ever, “The Thong Song.”
posted by Sassmo at 3:13 AM
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